Wedensday 22nd March 2006

ok- it has been along day, i will probably go home and sleep on the couch, i done something stupid yestaurday, i took too much medication, i took it to get rid of the pain. I took 2 paracetamol, 1 tramadol and 1 ibroprufen. And on top of that all i had my jag. I couldn't even stand, i was that dizzy and wobbly, i thought i was nearly falling to the ground. I was really upset and didn't think i could cope anymore.
So I went on MSN and spoke to a few freinds, i told them how i fealt about life and i was finding realy hard. Sometimes it would get to the point that i burst into tears. I think that liffe cant get any worse for me.

Im scared about tomorrow, im getting a CT scan on my hip, I hate scans because of the enclosed space, i dont like te noise either. I know that it's the follow up to the surgery im getting, I dont know how i will cope with that. cross the bridge when it comes "why not lol". Why did the surgery go wrong? what have I done wrong? is it punishment? how can i beleive in god if he done his to me? and how do i get my self confidence back?

I know my life sucks, but i gotta look at the bright side of things and not the negative side.
Thats more difficult than i thought, I don't want to tell anyone what I think because i dont like worrying people, and plus theres worse people out there with more serious problems, i also don't knw how to express the way i feel.

right now im upset and crying whilst i type my feelings, what a life to have "a".

20th March 06

ok- so were do i start, living with MHE can really be deppressing. Sometimes you feel you can't cope anymore. You wish it would just go away, but it doesn't. The pain in the joints last's forever, not even pain killers can stop it. Surgery is the only reason I havent gone crazy. It releives some of the pain but its hard to go through it most of the time. Living with MHE mentally drains you, some times i would bang my head off of the wall, I know that its stupid but it's the pain that drives me to it. I would cry because im not able to get to sleep. I tend to go to sleep as soon as i get in from school, I go up to my room without saying h to my mum, i suppose it's because of my medication, I cant handle the medication anymore, Im getting to dizzy and not able to walk right because of it. Im not able to focuss on my work and the things that i am good and enjoy. Life is getting to much for me just now, not that i would do something stupid to myself. As soon as i wake up, it takes about 20 mins before im ok to get up, i get ready for school and take my medication.

Mind you I have alot of people behind me, like the SLA's my parents, family and freinds (I have to thank Jessica) thanx XxXx.

so thats my story for today

Jods
XxXx